Life after death

This article is about my experience with having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and my struggle with self-harm and suicide attempts. If this topic is triggering for you, I suggest that you do not continue reading.

With that said, let me take you back to the end of 2017 when I attempted suicide. I want to make it clear that I personally believe that when people say that self-harm or suicide attempts are just a cry for attention, it is such a wrong thing to say. For me, the reason why I started harming myself was because I felt empty. There was no perspective on the future, past, or present. Nothing mattered anymore, and there was nothing left for me. Although this may not be true rationally, it is how I felt. I felt like I was dying to feel something, and that’s why I started cutting myself. The pain made me feel alive.

But there came a point where cutting was no longer enough. There was no other option for me than trying to take my own life. I combined sleeping pills with painkillers and alcohol, and in the end, I was brought to the hospital in time. I remember feeling scared and unsafe there. Looking back now, I think I mostly just felt very alone. Only my ex knew what was going on. I called my parents the next morning to let them know I was in the hospital. They were not aware of my situation because I was not living with them anymore. When they arrived, I felt ashamed of what I did and of the pain I caused my family members. I knew beforehand that this would be the case, but if I had actually died, then I wouldn’t have to feel their pain.

Later, two psychologists and a psychiatrist came to see me in the hospital. The psychologists were very friendly, but the psychiatrist was not. They made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist in early 2018, and from that moment on, I was diagnosed with BPD.

After experiencing all of this, I only had one more moment where I tried to harm myself in a lighter way during a very stressful time before I started taking medication. Since then, it has never happened again, and I am planning on never doing it again.

These experiences made me realize that I shouldn’t blame myself for the things that happened to me that were out of my control. I learned that I have control over myself and how I deal with the things that happen to me. Only I am able to make life better for myself. Since becoming more aware of that, I started living more for myself, what I want, and what I need instead of living for other people. That’s why this article is called “Life After Death.” Of course, I did not die, but for a long time, I felt such emptiness that it felt like death to me. Now, I feel alive, and I am enjoying life, which is what I have been craving for a long time. Knowing that I made it gives me even more reason to live because I know I am strong enough to take care of myself and to be the cause of my own happiness.

This was a little insight into my “darker” moments in life. If you were to ask me what I really needed back then, it would be that people would have checked in on me more frequently. They should have asked me how I was doing and taken the time to listen, observe, and ask more questions. Although it did happen sometimes, it did not happen enough for me. Personally, I think that checking in on other people is something we should do more often. It takes such a little effort to ask someone how they are doing. I honestly believe that you can’t do anything wrong with that. So please, if you have made it this far, I implore you to check in more on your friends, family, and other people you know. You can really make someone’s day by simply showing interest and letting them know that they are not alone.

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