Freedom

In this article, I will write about a life-changing experience that I had for a long time, but not in a good way. Despite the difficulties, I always believed that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and this mindset helped me through some of the darker times.

From the age of 8 to around 12 or 13, I experienced ongoing sexual contact with my older sister, who is four years older than me. However, I had a hard time viewing this as sexual abuse because it didn’t fit the typical narrative of sexual abuse. Initially, it started innocently with small kisses and hugs, but it eventually escalated to French kissing and various sexual acts. This continued on a daily basis and became routine for us both. Our parents never noticed anything. At some point, I even asked my sister what we should call these sexual activities, as I didn’t understand what they were at the time. She never gave me an answer.

Around the age of 18, I felt that it was time to confront my sister and parents about what had happened. I realized that they needed to know how much it had hurt me all those years. At the time, I was in my first serious relationship, living with my ex-partner, our dog, and we were even engaged. My ex was 6 or 7 years older than me.

During the confrontation, I remember feeling alone and uncomfortable. I was sitting in a chair, facing the coffee table, while my parents and sister sat on the couch, with my sister in the middle. I described everything I could remember about the situation and how it had affected me over the years. I even mentioned that my experience with my sister may have contributed to my BPD (borderline personality disorder), as it is common for individuals with BPD to have experienced sexual abuse. However, it’s important to note that this isn’t always the case.

Fortunately, my sister didn’t deny anything during our confrontation and admitted that everything I said was true. I was relieved because I had been afraid that my family would reject me.

However, during this time, I was also experiencing sexual and mental abuse from my ex-partner. While I went to school for long hours, he would stay at home and do nothing. I had to leave the house at 6 am and return at 8 pm every day, with a lot of traveling involved. When I got home, I had to clean the house, walk the dog, cook dinner, and do my homework. I was often too exhausted to engage in sex, but he was never okay with that.

Whenever I didn’t want to have sex with my ex-partner, he would react with heavy sighs and turn his back to me in bed. He would then say things that made me feel guilty and coerced me into having sex with him. At times, I would agree to have sex with him simply to get it over with and go to sleep. The experience was exhausting, and I didn’t actually want to have sex most of the time.

There were instances where I cried during sex and hoped he would stop, but he didn’t. And while it might be reasonable to ask why I didn’t leave him, it wasn’t that simple. I was scared of him and his family, as they had a reputation as dangerous people. I feared that something harmful might happen if I ended things with him. In the end, I left him for different reasons.

The reason why I finally left my ex was because I discovered that he was a pedophile. He had sexually abused his younger sisters and another underage girl. I felt that I could deal with what he did to me, but I could not tolerate his actions towards other vulnerable girls, including his own sisters.

As time went by, I went through a phase of not speaking to my sister or wanting to see her, which lasted for about 2-3 years. However, I eventually tried to reconnect with her by visiting her and messaging her through WhatsApp. Although it remains difficult at times, things have gradually improved between us. I decided to forgive my sister, unlike my ex-partner, and I have found peace with this decision. Moreover, it’s worth mentioning that my sister was sexually abused by someone outside of our family prior to what happened between us, and that experience led her to believe that such behavior was normal.

In conclusion, if you have experienced or are still experiencing something similar, I strongly encourage you to speak to someone about it. I understand that it is challenging, but that is precisely why I wrote this article: to create more open conversations on sensitive topics such as this. We should all feel as though we can have these discussions without feeling unsafe. Besides that I do believe that you can help yourself by living your life in the way you want it. For me it really helped that i still had my studies going on, that i had friends who i could count on and that I in general made the best of the life I had. I think if I haven´t done all that, that my life would have been completely different and maybe not in the best way. I also believed that continuing on with my life meant that I was not giving in the bad things that happened to me and that I would be stronger than the people who did me wrong.

Being a former victim myself, I understand the emotions that can come with experiencing abuse. However, it is crucial that you advocate for yourself and stand up for yourself. You should never give another person the power over your mind or body – that power should be yours alone.