On July 9, 2018, I had an appointment at the abortion clinic when I was 14 weeks pregnant. At that stage, my baby was approximately 8.5 cm and the size of a peach. Prior to that day, I had already discussed with my doctor the decision to make an appointment at the abortion clinic. It was important to have at least a five-day window between the doctor’s appointment and the abortion clinic, allowing time to consider the pregnancy and whether or not to proceed with the abortion. In my case, there was a bit more time in between because I had booked a trip around that time, so I scheduled my appointment right after the trip.


In my previous article, “Pregnancy,” you can read about why I decided to have an abortion, as well as the details of my interactions with those around me, such as telling my parents and my ex-partner at the time.


Before the clinic appointment, I researched the specific procedure for the number of weeks I was pregnant. I felt the need to understand what would be done to my body and my baby. It was almost like a way to punish myself because I had to live with the knowledge of what was happening or what I allowed to happen to my unborn child. I’m not entirely sure why I put myself through that, but I think somewhere along the line, I became emotionally attached to my baby, even though I still proceeded with the abortion. I wanted to know what the doctors would do so that I fully grasped the gravity of the situation and was resolute in my decision to end a life. The procedure I underwent was not the abortion pill or vacuum aspiration; instead, it was dilation and evacuation. This involved taking pills to dilate the cervix and using a speculum for better visibility inside the cervix. Following that, they began removing the fetus. I won’t delve into further details as it is not pleasant to know the specifics of how the fetus is removed.


When the time came to go to the clinic, I was one of the first patients to arrive. The appointment was at 8 am, and I went with my mother. A few weeks prior, my ex-partner asked if he could be there with me. Initially, I agreed, thinking it would be nice of him to show support and that it would demonstrate his commitment to the choice we made together. However, a few days before the appointment, we got into an argument. He stated that it was for the best that I have an abortion because a child with my Dutch background would not have the same cultural background as him. His comments made me feel sick to my stomach. I became so angry that I told him he was no longer welcome at the appointment. I blocked him and ignored all his attempts to contact me. He had already hurt me in the past by cheating on me multiple times, but his comments about our child intensified my feelings of hatred towards him. I was completely done with him.


He didn’t receive the message and eventually showed up at the abortion clinic. He didn’t know the exact time of my appointment, but he said he would wait the whole day if necessary by looking at the clinic’s opening hours. I can’t recall if I actually allowed him to be there with me and my mother or if he simply followed me. However, I do remember being in the waiting area, and he caused a scene, expressing how sorry he was and acknowledging his mistakes. His face was distorted as he sobbed uncontrollably. I felt so ashamed because there were other people in the waiting area. My mother held his hand to calm him down. I remember not responding to everything he said; I tried to mentally distance myself. I do recall telling him that I didn’t want to see him after the appointment. 


After I was done with the procedure, he was still there, and I simply told him that everything went fine and that we were finished. I walked away with my mom. I remember my mother feeling bad for holding his hand instead of mine, but I understood that she was just trying to calm him down since there were other people in the waiting area. I don’t blame her for that, and I was grateful to have her by my side.


Once I arrived home, I needed some time to rest and recover, which took a few weeks. I gradually reintegrated longer walks into my routine, and initially, everything went well. However, around six weeks after the clinic appointment, while walking in a remote area on a particularly hot day, I started experiencing heavy bleeding. The blood was running down my legs, and I felt on the verge of fainting. Eventually, I made my way back home and learned that this was a common occurrence after having an abortion. I decided to postpone my walks and prioritize rest. After a few more weeks, I gradually resumed my routine and began feeling physically fine again.


Mentally, I was also “fine.” I understood why I had chosen to have an abortion, and I believed it was the best decision for both myself and my baby. I still stood behind my choice and the reasons that led me to it. However, every July 9th and the months leading up to that date, I find myself thinking about it a lot. To this day, I wonder if my baby would have been a boy or a girl, and what he or she would have looked like if given the chance to be born. I don’t feel guilty, but I never want to go through an abortion again. It felt like playing God, having the power to end a life, and that’s an experience I never want to have again.


Everyone has their own opinions about abortion, often influenced by personal beliefs or religious reasons. I respect that, and I understand that this article may evoke strong emotions in certain individuals. However, I felt it was important to share my experience. Personally, I believe that you should do what you think is best for yourself and follow your own desires. Ultimately, it is your choice and not someone else’s.


If you have any questions about this article or if you’d like to share your own experience, feel free to contact me through my website or on Instagram!

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